How loss creates a need to control, and how that can lead to the rise of depression and anxiety in youth during COVID-19

It’s been a busy month for family coaches since stay-in-place orders were issued for COVID-19. We have been inundated with calls from teens and parents who are starting to unravel. The newness of quarantining has worn off for many and families are truly facing the culture of their home environment.

Parents who were rarely home before COVID-19 are struggling to find their new normal and engage consistently. Teens who have issues like ADHD, substance abuse, or pre-existing depression and anxiety are in a tail spin. Both sides seem equally pulled into deepening depression and anxiety all rooted in one thing: loss.

In order to regain balance from this monumental loss, parents and teens are trying to control what they can in order to survive. It is within this reactionary stage that problems escalate at home.

Here are some of the things we’ve been hearing:

Example 1

“My mom has been on me all day about my phone since this lockdown crap. I mean what am I supposed to do? She’s limited my TV time, I can’t go outside and see my friends, I have no idea what’s going on in my classes, and I can’t get the help I need … I’m seriously going crazy inside. Literally, the only thing that makes me feel a little better is watching videos on TikTok and checking in with my friends on FaceTime, and now I can’t even do that because she’s taken my phone away.”

Example 2

“I’m so over my kids today. Seriously, I am trying to find reasons to go somewhere by myself, even if it means I have to wear a mask and go grocery shopping. I never wanted to homeschool in my life. Now I’m being forced to do it and it is awful. Every little project seems to turn into a fight. I don’t even know how to explain some of this stuff to my kids anyways which makes me feel stupid. It would be so much easier if I could just take my kids to do something out of the house, but I can’t even do that. I find myself yelling all day, and I hate myself for that too. All of the little frustrations are adding up and I feel like I’m putting out fires right and left.

Example 3

“Working from home was cool at first, but now I’m just annoyed. I need more space and I am not getting it. My wife is yelling all day, and I can’t concentrate. All I want to do is escape and retreat. It’s the only way I feel like I can survive this situation. I’m really worried about my job as well. I mean, how long can we go on like this? When is my paycheck going to stop coming in? When did my kids become so annoying and badly behaved? I don’t get it.”

All of these examples show people trying to escape from a crisis. The teenager expresses their need to control in the form of defiance, anger, frustration, or withdrawal. This triggers the parents—trying to manage their own stresses—to react with controlling measures. They are turning to control to regulate their discomfort.

It’s All About Control

Without control, humans fail to feel homeostasis. We want homeostasis. In fact, whether we are conscious of it or not, it is what we seek every day.

Dr. Jason Fung says that, “Homeostasis, that process of keeping things in balance, is a process that is essential for life itself. In fact, homeostasis is the defining characteristic of life on earth.” (London Scribe Publications, 2016)

We know humans will innately use methods of control to create balance—or homeostasis—in the brain. So, why is control a problem? Well, it really isn’t … unless it is used in excess and in a way that is unhealthy.

Misunderstanding to Controlling Behaviors to Trauma

One thing that drives controlling behaviors is a lack of insight about the loss someone is experiencing. When we don’t fully understand each other, we end up reacting to suit our needs rather than doing what is best for everyone involved. This self-centered approach disconnects you from others. We need to be able to understand everyone’s perspectives before we act, otherwise things can get ugly quickly.

In this time of COVID-19, a parent might think that a teen is experiencing a magical time of life. Parents don’t understand why their teen should be upset about no alarm clocks and all-day pajamas or the seemingly endless amounts of TV and game time. Parents won’t comprehend why teens are upset about fewer social demands, more time for relaxation, and a lot less homework. This is not to say parents don’t acknowledge some of their teen’s frustrations about a constantly changing world, but they don’t extend the level of compassion and empathy the teen is looking for because they don’t consider their life to be a real crisis.

Ironically, this same dialogue is going on in the mind of a teen. Through their lens of limited experience and perception, teens see parents as holding all of the decision-making power. They envy their parents’ ability to go where they want when they want, to buy what they want when they want, and to say what they want when they want. Teens envy their parents’ overall autonomy. Similarly, teens do not show compassion for the amount of stress a parent feels having to wear so many hats and keep it together.

Obviously, both sides couldn’t be more wrong about each other’s stressors. Underneath the façade of gaming and relaxation, teens are feeling increased confusion and loss. The loss of routine, friends, employment, connection, graduations, dances, dating, in addition to food and shelter for some, is a huge blow. Likewise, parents are struggling to manage lots of demands and additional people at home constantly. They are juggling the uncertainty of work—or lack of work—in addition to life’s expenses, while keeping their loved ones fed and safe in the moment. Because parents don’t understand the loss their loved ones are experiencing and vice versa, both sides turn to control to alleviate stress and restore balance.

Here are ways parents use control:

• Threatening to take away or limit time on computers, televisions, cell phones, and gaming devices
• Limiting where they can go and who they can talk to beyond what is normal
• Minimizing emotions and or feelings when teens express themselves
• Not attending to their loved one’s frustrations and or concerns
• Completely withdrawing or ignoring loved ones
• Yelling to express frustrations and gain attention
• Hovering and being overly anxious
• Physical and verbal violence
• Abusing substances

When teens or children at home feel scared and their normal has been altered, they often use control to create balance as well. Their control is usually rooted in behaviors and or activities that cause parents even more frustration.

Here are ways teens use control:

• Over consumption of electronic devices
• Fighting with siblings
• Anger and frustration with doing schoolwork
• Feelings of depression and sadness that manifest in other ways
• Increased yelling, screaming, or crying
• Argumentative
• Never satisfied with any options they are given
• Isolation and withdrawal
• Hot and cold reactionary states
• Feelings and expressions of impending doom
• Fixations on isolation and loss
• Abusing substances if they can manage to get them

These are all survival tools teens use to combat loss and trauma. We often say to our clients, “We control what we can in order to deal with those things we cannot control.” What is your teen trying to control now to counter the loss and trauma they feel during COVID-19? Likewise, what are you trying to control in order to minimize the chaos you feel during COVID-19?

Some parents would argue their measures of control are necessary in order to properly parent. We aren’t here to suggest you drop the ball as a parent. We merely want to point out that when control is used in excess, it is typically masking a deeper issue.

Gain Control to Let Go of Control

How do we gain back our control? How do we connect with one another? The answers lie in understanding what each other feels they have lost, acknowledging that loss, and then helping each other regain some sense of control.

Let’s go through one example to help explain. We hear lots of complaints about phone and video game usage. Remember: loss leads to trauma/disconnect, which triggers the need to control in order to reach homeostasis or balance in the brain.

Example 4

“My kid is constantly on the phone. It totally irritates me, seeing them waste so much time. Now, with the stay-in-place orders, it is even worse. I feel like I’m constantly nagging my teen to get off his phone. It’s wearing me out. Not only that, but he is a totally different person on the phone and is rude to everyone around him. I finally lost it last night and confiscated the phone. This morning, he’s unbearable to be around. Because of his attitude, I’ve threatened to keep the phone even longer. If he can’t show some respect, he doesn’t deserve to have these things we provide for him. I’m not looking forward to today.”

In this example, we see a mom who is frustrated with her teen’s phone use. She decides to control her discomfort by controlling his further phone usage. In this scenario, mom’s world has been affected by COVID-19 drastically. She is now carrying the extra weight of managing homeschool, more planned meals, balancing constantly frustrated personalities, and worrying about everyone staying healthy. Her normal is gone and she is struggling with the new normal. This has pushed her to the edge. Instead of acknowledging where she is, she is reacting the best way she knows how; she wants to minimize the damage by controlling what she can.

Without gaining more context as to why her teen is overusing his phone, she creates a perfect breeding ground for heightened conflict, which will lead to more disconnect, adding to anxiety and depression. She needs to leave this conflict loop where she controls his possessions and then he controls with negative behaviors. If they can’t leave, the cycle will continue until someone eventually explodes and further damages the relationship.

So, how do we address this issue as coaches? We can take a quick moment to ground ourselves in what the teen might be experiencing. Why are they drawn to their phone right now? We imagine that there is a fear of missing out, a loss of connection, and a loss of expression. Once we gain perspective, we can ask more questions. Here’s an example of a scenario where we talk to the teen from example 4 above.

Scenario 1

Coach: “I notice you’re spending more time than usual on the phone. Can you tell me more about that?”

Teen: “I don’t know … I just like to play games and talk to my friends.”

Coach: “What’s going on with your friends right now? How are they doing with everything that’s going on with COVID-19?”

Teen: “I don’t know … probably the same as me.”

Coach: “How are you doing with everything?”

Teen: “It’s kind of hard … not knowing what’s going to happen and not being able to see my friends.”

Coach: “Yeah, I hear you. It’s hard to have your life turned upside down and not be able to do anything about it.”

Teen: “Yeah.”

Coach: “Other than talking on the phone … are there any other ways you all can connect?”

Teen: “Not really … I mean, we can’t hang out.”

Coach: “How would you feel if you could hang out?”

Teen: “It would make everything so much better than it is right now.”

Coach: “Is this why you are on the phone so much?”

Teen: “Yeah, I guess I just am so bored and this is the only thing I like to do.”

Coach: “Yeah, when things stay the same every day, I’m sure it’s hard to change it up a bit.”

Teen: “Yeah.”

Coach: “Let’s talk about what you can do right now. I know things are a little weird these days and there’s not much we can do about that. Sometimes when we lose control of things in our life, it can make us feel that we don’t have a lot of options and that can feel depressing.”

Teen: “Yeah, I have a lot of anxiety right now.”

Coach: “Totally understandable. One of the ways you can relieve some of that anxiety is by figuring out ways you can take back control of what is going on, given the limitations you have.”

Teen: “I don’t get it.”

Coach; “Well, I know you are stuck at home and feeling bored. You want to connect with your friends. Rather than being on the phone all day, what are some ways you can do that? Are there any ways you can see them and still social distance?”

Teen: “Yeah, I guess some of my friends were doing parking lot meet-ups where they sat in their cars and talked.”

After we start asking questions in a non-threatening way, the teen begins to give useful information. While coaching teens, it’s important that your questions don’t come across as demanding and or trouble seeking. You don’t want them to think you are cornering them in order to convict them. You may not get the answers you need right away. Unusual answers can lead to understanding that could be useful. In this case, taking the cue of “wanting to hang out with friends” opened up the opportunity to direct the conversation in a less confrontational way by asking about his friends. This shows that we care about what he cares about, and then we were able to redirect to what he’s feeling.

From this dialogue, we find out why his phone is so important to him, how he’s feeling about his situation, how he feels about his connection with friends, what his anxiety levels are, and more. You will notice that one question will not pull this info out right away, so we were creative about the bits of info he was willing to give in order to formulate more questions and build trust.

You’ll also notice where we acknowledge and validated the loss he was feeling. We didn’t try to downplay his experience by saying, “It’s not that bad,” or “You’ll be fine, you’re not the only one going through this,” because that doesn’t truly validate how they feel. When they don’t feel validation, they won’t feel safe to express where they are. We can’t emphasize enough the importance of validating someone’s feelings and showing empathy and compassion. Without it, you won’t get very far in conflict resolution with teens, or anyone else for that matter.

You’ll notice then, after we talked and validated feelings, we shifted to problem solving. What do you think the problem is at this point? The problem in the beginning was that mom was frustrated by his overuse of his phone. You might still come up with that same issue that needs to be solved, but consider putting that agenda aside and seeing the core issue that needs to be addressed: the real loss this teen is experiencing. He told us right here:

Teen: “It’s kind of hard … not knowing what’s going to happen and not being able to see my friends.”

Teen: “Yeah, I have a lot of anxiety right now.”

The teen is feeling anxious and depressed from his current situation. How do we help them rise from their depression? We help them gain back some control over their loss. They’ve lost connection with people they care about—this is huge. They’ve lost control over their balance of school and home and it was majorly disruptive, but they need to realize all is not lost.

Teens really struggle regulating emotion and understanding because their brains are not fully developed yet. They need a parent’s guidance to help them feel a sense of balance again. Parents can help by giving them back the control they are struggling to find. Notice again from our original scenario when we gently moved them through their feelings of loss after we validated how they felt.

Coach: “Let’s talk about what you can do right now. I know things are a little weird these days and there’s not much we can do about that. Sometimes when we lose control of things in our life, it can make us feel that we don’t have a lot of options and that can feel depressing.”

Teen: “Yeah, I have a lot of anxiety right now.”

Coach: “Totally understandable. One of the ways you can relieve some of that anxiety is by figuring out ways you can take back control of what is going on, given the limitations you have.”

Teen: “I don’t get it.”

Coach; “Well, I know you are stuck at home and feeling bored. You want to connect with your friends. Rather than being on the phone all day, what are some ways you can do that? Are there any ways you can see them and still social distance?”

Teen: “Yeah, I guess some of my friends were doing parking lot meet-ups where they sat in their cars and talked.”

By being flexible about where they led the conversation and creating a safe space for them to respond, we were able to get somewhere together. Can you imagine what happens when you stay in a reactive mode?

Scenario 2

Mom: “Get off the phone! You are spending too much time on your phone.”

Teen: “No, I’m not!”

Mom: “Yes, you are! I don’t want you on your phone while everyone is at home. There is way too much to get done around here!”

Teen doesn’t respond and is still on his phone.

Mom: “Get off the phone … or it goes away!”

Teen leaves the room while on his phone.

We can only imagine where this will escalate to now. Mom gets nowhere with this approach.
To recap, this is what you are striving to do in a conversation with your teen.

1. Put your frustrations and anger aside.
2. Try to understand what loss could be triggering negative behaviors by creatively exploring what your teen is experiencing.
3. Validate their loss.
4. Help them feel a sense of renewed hope by giving them control back in a way that works for them and for you as well.

There’s a coaching tip we’d like to add here: don’t steal their opportunity to problem solve by offering a multitude of solutions yourself. You are more than likely to see pushback regardless of whether they feel frustration towards you. Help them instead to formulate their own solutions. They are more likely to own their decisions when they do. This doesn’t mean you offer up zero feedback or intel; you just don’t interject right away. Let them wrestle a bit so that they grow the ability to do this for themselves when they become adults.

Last night, I was on the phone with my son. Some things aren’t going well for him and he’s struggling. Some of the decisions he’s made has derailed long-term plans for his life. He was sitting on our stoop at the family home in Mexico, quiet and anxious. He’s dealt with depression and anxiety in his own way for a long time. I knew I had to have that in my thoughts as I spoke to him. I also knew I couldn’t make this about my fears and my feelings of loss of control. So, I began to help him understand what he was feeling. We processed his feelings of loss. We processed his perspectives on his choices, and then we talked about what he could do to feel like he had control back. Many ideas were thrown around. They were suggestions that he could own. After the call, he had a plan. That plan gave him the control he needed to feel to find his own sense of balance in a very chaotic situation. I then realigned my expectations so I could help him maintain his course. Our job as parents is to guide the ship towards the family culture we want to create. But, as a sailor, I know that a boat has many moving parts and many things I can’t control at all. I let the wind do its part, the waves and the water theirs. I create direction for my family, controlling what I can by tightening this and checking on that, all while looking ahead.

We know it sounds like an oxymoron to say that giving someone a sense of control can eliminate the need to control, but it’s true. When we feel like we can own our decisions and our path, we stop grasping for destructive control. To understand how you use control takes real self-reflection.

We encourage you to take some time to think about how you use control to create balance. Decide what is overreaching to soothe your fears and what is necessary for the wellness of your family. Then, practice empathy and compassion towards your children, who will learn to do the same by studying you. You can impact your family culture by the work you do around control. And remember, don’t take offense as you go travel this road because it’s a process. Taking things personally creates opportunities for more loss and trauma. So, take those couple of breaths, laugh it off, listen more, and control what you can as you strive towards homeostasis, balance, and connection.

Josh & Hollie

The majority of our efforts to help families revolves around disengagement. Stepping out of the drama, even for just a second. In other words, not reacting.

It is our knee jerk reaction. We take things so personally, so quickly. We carry pain, hurt, and trauma from our own pasts. No matter how small or big the argument we soon realize we aren’t in as much control as we think we are. Have you ever thought, “Whoa, why did I react that way?” 

We’ve all felt at times our reactions didn’t fit the situation. Usually more shame and guilt result and we find ourselves even more out of touch and out of control. It doesn’t feel good to be out of control, to watch a loved one struggle, to maybe even be a reason for their pain.

It doesn’t feel good to have your feelings and memories triggered. We’ve worked hard to avoid those things long swept under the rug! Of course there is another way. We struggle at times to see other options but they are there. We’d like to suggest one.

Before our species hunted, we gathered, and we want to suggest to you all a shift from the mentality of going after what’s wrong (hunting) to the idea of gathering information by observing and slowing things down a bit.

When we come into a home it is usually out of desperation. We’ve done mostly all word of mouth “advertising” thus far. So when we get a call it is usually because the family is at their wits end with a loved one. We usually have to explain, right off the bat, and very explicitly, that we will need time. There will be no quick fix and we for sure aren’t coming in as a third parent or one of those Made for TV Rescue Nannies. 

We need time to observe and gather.

We want to teach you how. So over the next few posts you will learn some pretty amazing yet simple techniques to observe and gather what is real in your specific situation. You’ll need to shed a lot of default beliefs, settings, and patterns but that process alone will slow things down to the point where we can see things more for how they really are.

Time to start anew and step back to a more simple time, one where didn’t always need to be on the hunt, but one where we took the time as a community to observe and gather.